Become a Hands-On Parent

Wouldn’t it be great if you could vaccinate your child against peer pressure ... drugs ... academic underachievement? You can. I’ve found that your best shot is to be involved with your kids at home, in the neighborhood, and at school. Know who your kids hang out with and where they go, stay in touch with their friends’ parents, and have the guts to set up and maintain curfews. Involved parenting is the only way to go. You can’t get around it — parents who watch their kids closely and are involved in their neighborhood and school activities tend to raise children who walk the straight and narrow. Kids whose parents look the other way or depend upon someone else to “raise” their children pay big time — especially when the child reaches the tween or teen years.

I’ve seen this for years in my clinical practice, and so I preach the value of involved, hands-on parenting whenever I get the chance. I discuss this with parents in my office as well as at seminars. What does being an “involved parent” entail? This is a hands-on approach to raising kids. It necessitates considerable parental attention and participation, letting kids know that you are watching their behavior, raising the bar in terms of expectations as appropriate, and making clear and fair rules for the children.

Parents often have lots of questions about involved parenting, and below are the most common ones I’m asked about this parenting style.

Is involved parenting the same as strict parenting? Is it the same as authoritative or autocratic parenting?
Involved parenting is akin to strict parenting in many ways — rules are adhered to, behaviors are watched closely, and the parent often participates in the child’s activities. But hands-on parents are not strict or rigid — they are flexible, fair, and consistent.

Where authoritative or autocratic parents do not take into account the feelings, wishes, and nature of the individual child, involved parents do. Knowing that each child needs freedoms and opportunities to explore, yet also needs reasonable guidelines, hands-on parents succeed because they take their children’s ideas into account when setting rules and consequences. They may be viewed as strict by their children because of their consistency of discipline, but hands-on parents are not seen as robotic and punishing like autocratic parents or as controlling and intrusive as authoritative parents. Involved parents are flexible — but the zone of acceptable behavior is clear to the child. Parents can be authoritative or autocratic and not be involved (setting rules but not following through). Involved parents create rules that are fair, and they take the time to follow through by paying attention to kid behaviors such as curfews, TV viewing, and school grades.

Does the involvement refer just to discipline?
No, it doesn’t. Hands-on parenting means follow-through, consistency, and participation. At times it will involve discipline, but it often concerns other aspects of child rearing. For example, conferencing with teachers is indicative of a hands-on parent, as is setting the rule that homework should be done well. Hands-on parenting doesn’t stop with setting rules — it continues with monitoring, enforcement, and follow-up. The hands-on parent remembers to check the child’s planner every day to see if the work has been completed and is ready to be turned in. The hands-on parent takes action, in conjunction with the teacher, to institute a new homework plan if the child isn’t living up to his end of the bargain. The hands-on parent doesn’t do the work for the child but does establish the structure for the work to take place.

Does involvement mean lots of extracurricular activities?
Not necessarily — only if you and the child desire to sign up for them. Sure, it’s great for your kid to learn a new skill or to develop a talent. But hands-on parenting does not necessitate carting your kid around from activity to activity. It refers to your awareness of what your child is doing and that you are supervising his activities, whether these are lessons, schoolwork, or neighborhood fun. In fact, kids seem to be overscheduled rather than not having enough to do. Give yourself a break and spend less time in the car and more at home!

Can parental involvement be overdone?
Sure, if the parent’s behavior is stifling the child’s independence, development of self-discipline, or social growth. Or if the bar is set too high for the individual child (grade expectations that are not reasonable) or the parental requirement is unreasonable (going along on dates with your 17-year-old daughter), then the involvement is more neurosis than good parenting. Folks need to pick their battles — I personally focus upon safety, academic achievement, social skill development, and responsibility issues, and stay flexible on others.

Are You a Hands-On Parent?
The following are the 12 indicators used in a study conducted by the Columbia University-based National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, which looked at the effect of two different parenting styles on tween and teen behavior. Answer the questions honestly and check the bottom of the list to see how you rate.

1. Do you expect to be told where your child is going in the evening or on weekends and told the truth about this?
2. Have you made it clear that you would be “extremely upset” to find your child using marijuana?
3. Do you know where your child is at all times, particularly after school and on weekends?
4. Do you monitor what your child is watching on television?
5. Do you impose restrictions on the kind of music your child is allowed to buy?
6. Are you very aware of how your child is doing in school?
7. Do you monitor your child’s Internet usage?
8. Does your family typically have dinner together six nights a week?
9. Does your child have a weekend curfew?
10. Is an adult always at home when the child returns from school?
11. Is your child responsible for completing regular chores?
12. Do you make sure the television is not on during dinner?

According to the researchers, if you answered “yes” to at least 10 of the 12 questions, you’re a hands-on parent. Keep up the good work! If you answered “yes” to 5 or fewer, you’re a hands-off parent. The 25 Laws of Parenting are just what you and your kids need to get you more involved and keep your kids on track.

Source:  Dr. Ruth Peters. MSNBC